Bossy Bottoms & Subdued Submissives

Nookie @ Dating Kinky
2 min readMar 23, 2020

Inspired by an email I received on 10/14/19.

You know what I’ve found? That many submissives mistake submission for helplessness.

Not speaking to anyone in particular… just something I’ve observed.

For example, I’ve interacted with submissives online, who use the excuse that they are submissive to not take chances.

  • To not ask for a date
  • To not plan things
  • To not make decisions
  • To not grow and explore life for themselves
  • To not take care of their mental and physical states
  • To be passive in the relationship

(After all, a dominant will do ALL of that, right? They’ll tell you what to do, and how to fix your life.)

And so on.

And yet, with their kinks, they are not only SURE, they are often pushy.

Bossy bottoms, I call them.

They want their kinks, in exactly the way that turns them on, and that’s what matters.

Putting all the work and pressure on dominants to fulfill their kinks, take care of everything, and manage the relationship.

  • To read minds.
  • To push boundaries (these very specific boundaries, in exactly this way!).
  • To “force” self-care and responsibility.
  • To “bring” the excitement and interest.

When I met my Pet, he was the opposite of that.

He was masculine, confident, pursued like a champ (more and better than anyone else, actually), set up interesting dates, showed me how amazing life would be with him in my life, and brought me ideas for kink for us BOTH to explore together and play with.

(Of course, I returned the favor-I was also not sitting back and being passive.)

For me, it was the difference between being the one person doing 38 jobs and a CEO with an incredibly competent personal assistant helping me be the best leader I can be.

Again, I’m not saying this is you.

I’m wondering, though, what are you doing to develop who you are as a desirable companion both in and out of your submission?

You don’t have to answer me, if you don’t want to.

More a question for you-a thought exercise, if you will-although of course I’m happy to continue the conversation.

Originally published at



Nookie @ Dating Kinky

Writing about healthy and fun sex, ethical non-monogamy and kink for everyone, running a kinky dating site at, and exploring life.