Here is the OTHER side of healthy boundaries you need to know about!
On May 19, 2022, I presented the topic Boundaries Are Sexy AF for Dating Kinky. The original presentation was free to all who joined us live, and was recorded for Dating Kinky’s PLUS members to access through the Dating Kinky Library (over 400 videos and 550 hours of content!).
Here is a clip from that 2 hour (!!) show, where I talk about Fulfillment Points as a part of understanding your boundaries.
Okay, moving on!
Boundaries Are Sexy AF, Part Deux.
Boundaries are what are you in a relationship versus what is them.
That is what makes people sexy.
People with boundaries are themselves totally and completely, they are able to disentangle themselves
from the people they relationship with.
Knowing…knowing who you are makes you sexy to the people who want you.
You could be the most amazing person in the world, but if you cannot project that and protect that, how are they going to know that you’re that sexy person?
But here’s the thing.
I’d also real quick — before we go into the workshopping — I’d like to talk about not only the boundaries in your relationships, but also what fills you up, the Fulfillment Points in your relationship, because as you think about boundaries, I also you want also want you to be thinking (you don’t have to do anything with it right now, just think about it)…the Fulfillment Points.
What are Fulfillment Points?
Well, they’re kind of like Love Languages, sorta.
But I’m not talking just about things that make you feel loved, because there’s so much more to life and relationships than just love, right?
I need to be touched to feel fulfilled. It doesn’t make me feel loved necessarily, although it can, but it is a human need of mine.
I need to be appreciated to feel fulfilled.
I need to be desired to feel fulfilled.
I need alone time to feel fulfilled and therefore if we take alone time…alone time fulfills me and it is a boundary I set and don’t allow people to impede upon that. Right?
I need adventure to feel fulfilled.
I need romance and silliness and twitterpation to feel fulfilled.
These things don’t necessarily — as I said — make me feel more loved, which is why they are not love languages.These are things that fulfill me and fill up my humanity and give me a sense of value in the huge enormous never-ending world around me.
More importantly, they define me to me and separate me from others just like boundaries do, but these
are things that I need from others.
These are extrinsic to me just as boundaries are intrinsic.
Boundaries come from inside of me.
Fulfillment points come from outside of me.
So as we’re going through and we’re talking about and workshopping our boundaries, think about the Fulfillment points that go along with these things.
Let’s dig into that.
Both boundaries and Fulfillment Points (FPs) are how you define you to you, and separate you from other people.
Boundaries are intrinsic. You decide on your boundaries, and you set and maintain them yourself.
Fulfillment Points are extrinsic. You learn what you need from others and what fulfills you in relationships over time.
BOTH of these combine in every relationship — love, friendship, family — to shape who you are in that relationship, and how you are separate from others.
Now, I don’t mean separate as in alone or lonely.
I mean separate as in you are your own human, and you have value to give, and value to keep to yourself.
Let’s look at my examples:
I need to be touched to feel fulfilled: I have talked about this. Touch does not necessarily make me feel more loved — it is about connection. I need that connection in a relationship to feel fulfilled. There are many ways to get that touch, and a variety can satisfy.
I need to be appreciated to feel fulfilled: Without appreciation, I’m out. I’ve been there, and I don’t like it. My value needs to be seen and appreciation needs to be shown to me.
I need to be desired to feel fulfilled: In my romantic/sexual/bonded love relationships, I need to feel desired. It’s been a part of my fantasies for as long as I can remember, and it just fills me up in ways that other things do not.
I need alone time to feel fulfilled: This is not just time by myself — because I can get that for myself, but a partner who values and makes space for my alone time. Preferably, someone who also values their own alone time, and the feeling of spending time and activities apart and coming back together to share our experiences with each other.
I need adventure to feel fulfilled: Again, adventure is something I can (and do) find on my own. In this case, though, I need an adventurous partner to share adventures with me — mine and theirs. Who wants to bring me new adventures that I would not find on my own, and enjoy me showing them some of my favorites.
I need romance and silliness and twitterpation to feel fulfilled: This is a MUST in my romantic relationships. I’ve said a million times over that I’m a hopeless romantic, and it’s part of how I communicate to that romantic partner. And since I identify as monoromantic, if I do not get that from the partner I feel that towards, I will feel like something is deeply lacking, and get restless, and quite possibly move on.
Every one of these things are directly related to boundaries as well.
- I am conscious of touch, and who and how I touch.
- I strive to be appreciative of everyone I come into contact with, and only partner with people who do, too.
- I consider the time I spend with people carefully.
- I value my intellectual curiosity, and will not allow it to be curbed.
And romance, to me, is just another form of appreciation. Not just for me, but for the love I offer.
So far, I’ve found that every Fulfillment Point I have ties in with at least one boundary. Although not all of my boundaries have extrinsic factors.
It’s examining both sides as you go.
What are your thoughts?
What makes you feel more YOU when you receive it from others? What makes your cup runneth over? What tops you off, and gives you what you need to do/be/love even more?