Unpopular Opinion: I don’t believe in unconditional love.

Nookie @ Dating Kinky
3 min readMay 9, 2022


Furthermore, I loathe the idea.

It repulses me.

To me, it is the antithesis of what love is and should be, at least in a romantic relationship between adults.

Now, I’m not saying you can’t love unconditionally. Not at all. I hope you will always do what works for you.

You probably eat radishes, too.

Ewww. Gross.

I think unconditional love is impossible. And it’s unhealthy. It is for me.

(Again, if it works for you, I’m not here to yuck your yum.)

I believe love SHOULD be earned. Must be given because I am worth it. Not simply because I exist.

The best love to me is love that comes from seeing ME. Seeing me exactly as I am. All of the fun-sexy-amazing things and the flaws, and weighing all of that against your personal standards of worth and desires and finding out that I fit well and truly.

And the better I fit, the more love.

And I give the same in return.

Offering it unconditionally? That cheapens it for me.

But some people might say that others must EARN their unconditional love. Ok. That’s a step closer to what I’m getting at.

But…if I earned your unconditional love 17 years, 2 months, and 3 days ago, are you SURE I’m worthy of it now? No matter how I have changed?

Ok, but you’re talking about LOVE, not about having to be in a relationship or to like each other.


But for me, I don’t have that.

I used to say that regardless of what my ex-husband and I went through, no matter that we were apart, that I still loved him.

I lied.

I don’t.

I do wish him well. I believe we were both harmed in our relationship, and I know he had his own demons, and I truly wish that he finds a life for himself as amazing as I have.

But that’s not love (in my mind).

It’s appreciation for what we had and compassion for a human I once loved.

My D/s Language taught me a bit about this.

In December last, undergroundsea (on FetLife) taught a class on D/s languages at Naughty Noel. Like the five love languages, but the three languages of power exchange.

The three, as I categorized them in my mind are:

- Strength

- Superiority

- Merit

And I am very deeply a merit person in all of my life and relationships, not just in my power exchange. I earn what I have and I feel uncomfortable when I don’t feel I’ve earned something.

(Interesting note: my Partner’s primary D/s languages, the ones that make him feel the MOST sub, are strength and superiority — THAT was a revelation, and has added SO MUCH to our lives now that I get it.)

And I want to know not that I made you feel love for me yesterday or 13 days ago, or on your birthday last year, but that the love you have for me is continuously inspired and active and growing.

Because that is what I want to offer to you.

Not unconditional love that somehow reflects what you have meant to me at some point in the past, and may or may not mean to me now or ever again.

What are your thoughts?

Do you believe in unconditional love? If so, what does that look like/mean to you?

Do you want it?



Nookie @ Dating Kinky

Writing about healthy and fun sex, ethical non-monogamy and kink for everyone, running a kinky dating site at https://datingkinky.com, and exploring life.